Dear sisters,
A few years ago our daughter worked as an intern for a summer in a biotech lab in Paris. My husband and I visited her – she was delighted to show us "her" city. I fell in love with Paris and, again, with my brilliant, funny, adventurous daughter.
During one of our shopping-touristy-amazing food-art museum expeditions I rediscovered something I’d heard once and filed away under "interesting." In France, the scratch and dent departments of appliance stores are called "Retrouvaille" (pronounced retro-vie) – a word that technically means to "rediscover" or "find anew" – it can also refer to something refound, retrieved, or given a second life. Appliances with bumps, bruises, and imperfections are repaired and offered at a discount. After all, in spite of the scraped paint or the ding in the door, the machine can still do the job.
I’m not trying to resurrect your high school French here. This little discovery (or re-discovery as it were) meant something to me because I’d been involved in a ministry here in Madison called Retrouvaille. Retrouvaille is a group of faithful, Christian people who came to the program because their own marriages were crumbling and tearing them apart. They "rediscovered" each other and renewed hope among other couples struggling like themselves.
Retrouvaille isn’t counseling. It isn’t "ten tips" that will save your marriage or a bunch of bible verses that, "properly applied" will guarantee a happy relationship. Retrouvaille doesn’t assume every marriage should look a certain way to be "Christian" The Retrouvaille program teaches principles and an excellent communication tool called Dialogue.
People who lead Retrouvaille are just like "us." Regular couples from all across the socio-economic, age, and experience spectrum who are willing to share their own journey into misery and out again in hopes of helping other couples "just like them." The Retrouvaille program isn’t a cure-all or band-aid. But, if a couple in a troubled, painful marriage is willing to use the Dialogue tool and apply the principles Retrouvaille teaches, change can and will happen. A marriage might be saved. A relationship might actually become happy and fulfilling and satisfying for both spouses. There is hope. Retrouvaille’s banner is hope.
One of the problems in churches is the unwillingness to admit and face the depth of pain people are experiencing in their marriages. Once, my husband and I visited a church to talk about Retrouvaille. We brought brochures along. In a congregation of many hundreds, only two (2….as in 1,2) people took a brochure after the service. Clearly, people were terrified that someone might see them and think…Oh, the so-and-so’s marriage must be in trouble.
The cover of the brochure read "Is Your Marriage Tearing You Apart?" A sweet woman I’d known as an "our kids are together in school" friend came up. "Isn’t that a bit too much?" she asked. "Maybe the brochure should say "Does your marriage need a little extra?" or something like that. "This will turn people off."
I wasn’t sure how to respond. This kind woman meant well. But, she was obviously horrified by the idea that some couples in her church…right in those pews…..standing next to her at the communion table….that people she knew and cared about might be tearing each other apart in desperate, angry, hurting, brutally broken marriages. She didn’t want to know that couples in her church were in trouble in their marriages. That some were confused and unhappy. Some hadn’t had sex for years. Passed each other in a silent house without a word or touch or recognition that the other was present. Vacationed separately. Led separate, lonely, resigned lives. Hit, shoved, and slapped. Spoke hurtful, demeaning words. Frightened themselves and their children with violent arguments and physical fights. Had given up all together.
But, there were – and are today – those couples. Right there in her church and your church and mine, too. They are desperate and feel terribly, terribly alone.
And, the denial and silence and terror of being "found out" that we allow in our churches keeps them alone.
Retrouvaille breaks the silence. Retrouvaille is a place where nobody is fixed up and lookin’ good on Sunday mornings. Retrouvaille is a place where other couples admit the depth of their pain and hopelessness. It is a place where couples who have "been there" – whether at the "in trouble and don’t know what to do" end of the spectrum or at any other point on the journey to giving up all together – tell their stories and share hope.
There are couples right now in your church that need Retrouvaille. You may not see them. They’re afraid and hidden – often by common agreement that we don’t "air our dirty laundry" or that such problems are "private." But they’re there.
Other couples are just confused and don’t know how to communicate. They’re hurting each other and don’t know how to stop. They want to change but don’t know how.
You may be the spouse in one of those couples. It could be your best friend or next door neighbor or the lady you meet in line at Woodman’s.
Will you pass on the hope of Retrouvaille? Will you help a couple in trouble?
You can call Retrouvaille and they’ll send you brochures. Print out information from their website. Print out this blog entry and give it to someone you know. You’ll be extending hope to someone who feels really hopeless.
Madison Area Retrouvaille’s fall program begins September 22-24 with a weekend-long opportunity to "rediscover" each other and find new ways to relate and new hope for your relationship. You can learn more by calling 608 249 2377 or visiting their website at www.madisonarearetrouvaille.org
Thank you. Bless you. If yours is one of those scratched and dented marriages, please, please try Retrouvaille. it can’t hurt. Might help. Retrouvaille won’t save every marriage. But, you may find that, in spite of the scratches and dings, your marriage is a valuable possession, worth saving and with the potential of many good years ahead.
Love, Julia